Pure nonsense
by bookworm1442
Summary: I had to write a parody for school, so here it is. pure nonsense. This is in no way serious.


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Disclaimer- I don't own it!

AN- I had to write a parody for school so this was born. I got an A on it so I decided to see what people who actually watched CSI thought. ( My teacher must be the only person in the world that doesn't)

CSI- Milwaukee.

Horace Crain- Head CSI. Cares a lot about the victims of the crimes. Loves his sunglasses.

Carrie In'sane- One of the second in commands. Runs the gun lab. From the south.

Rick Celco- The other second in command. He runs the trace lab.

Bryan Cub- The new guy. Used to be a patrol cop.

Fred Slipp- The detective that works with the CSI's the most.

Sam Twig- Medical examiner. Says baby a lot. Talks to the victims that end up on her table.

The sun was high in the sky when Horace Crain pulled up to the crime scene in his black hummer. While he surveyed the scene, he slipped on his ever present sunglasses and put his hands on his hips. As he did so his shirt popped open and we clearly see that he is wearing a blue undershirt with a big red H on the front. Quickly he covered it up and looked around to see if anybody saw it. He then spotted Detective Fred Slipp walking towards him.

"So, boys and girls, what do we got?" Crain asked, taking of his sunglasses and tilting his head to the right.

" Foxey La'More, found by her husband, Maxwell La'More. She was shot three times in the chest. The butler and the maid were both here. Sam is in there now." Slipp answered.

" Alright, boys and girls, let's head in." Crain said putting his sunglasses back on.

As the two of them started to walk into the beautiful three story mansion, Slipp cautioned Crain "With all that rain we had last night, we have to put on shoe protectors."

Crain nodded and continued walking toward the crime scene. In the library where the body had been discovered, they found Sam Twig looking at the body of Foxey La'More.

"Well boys and girls, what does she have to tell us?" Crain asked the crouching woman, taking his sunglasses off. He squatted next to Sam and tilted his head to the left.

"Well, Baby, this poor baby has been dead for almost six hours. So, Baby, that puts time of death around six o'clock this morning." Sam said sadly "Unfortunately, Baby, I won't know more till I get the autopsy on this baby done."

"This looks like it might of been a robbery, Horace." Fred put in. " There is about five thousand dollars missing from the safe over there."

" Well, boys and girls, all the money in the world isn't going to let this guy get away" Crain declared. He slipped back on his sunglasses and put his hands on his hips pushing open his jacket as he did so. " He can run, but he can't hide."

-------------------Play Theme song----------------

The rest of the CSI team pulled up and got out of the SUV, glaring at Cub as they did so. They angrily got their kits from the back and headed over to Crain for their briefing.

" Where have you boys and girls been?" Crain asked " You were supposed to be here a half a hour ago."

" Well, H," began Carrie In'sane, flipping her long blonde hair over her left shoulder, " Bryan got us gosh darn lost again." She stomped her foot and flipped her hair over her right shoulder.

"Yeah!" chimed in tall, dark and handsome Rick Celco. "Why we let him drive is beyond me!"

" It wasn't my fault!" whined Bryan Cub. "Rick lost the map on me!"

Horace had to take a double take when he caught sight of his newest CSI. " Mister Cub, care to explain why you are wearing pink bunny slippers on your feet?" Horace slipped his sunglasses off and tilted his head to the left.

Rick started to chuckle and Carrie looked close to giving in to that temptation as well.

"Um, well, O, you see they were out of the shoe protectors when I got here and Carrie and Rick wouldn't let me borrow a pair of theirs and these were the only thing I had in my car." Cub rushed out. " They're not mine, I bought them for my sister."

Crain put his hand up to stop Cub's rushed explanation. " Next time remember to bring a pair of your own. OK, assignments. Cub, you take the outside. Try and find something useful. Carrie, you take in here. Rick, you come with me. We are going to go talk to the witnesses."

Every one split up to their various assignments and Carrie was left inside to try and find something.

"Lets get to work," she said snapping on her rubber gloves. " OWW! I have got to stop doing that!" She started to jump around the room and shake her hand.

Regaining her composure she took out her finger printing powder, flipped her hair to the right, and got to work.

Outside Bryan had already started looking at the footprints on the ground with a big magnifying glass.

"OOO, foot prints" he said looking down at the ground and walking in circles. " Ooo more footprints! Oh! look feet!" Looking at his feet and snapping pictures of them he exclaimed, "Ooo, R is going to be so impressed!"

Back inside Rick and Crain were questioning the witnesses.

"Hello Mister La'More. Will you explain what you saw when you discovered your wife this morning?" Crain said putting his sunglasses on.

" Well, Lieutenant, when I went in to the office this morning I found my wife collapsed over her desk. I ran over to check her vitals but I found that she was... she was gone. I then called the police."

" Did you see anything unusual last night?" Celco asked. " Anything out of the ordinary?"

Maxwell shook his head ." I went to bed early because of an early meeting this morning. I don't know what my wife did after that."

" Did your wife have any enemies?" asked Crain taking his sunglasses off. " Anyone who would want to hurt her?"

" Well...she and her sister didn't get along very well. Foxey always thought that Sue was trying to steal me away from her." La'More answered sadly.

"Was she?" asked Celco.

"No! Not at all!" Maxwell exclaimed shocked. " Sue and I dated for maybe 2 months. But then I met Foxey and fell in love!"

Celco and Crain looked at each other and then Crain said to La'More " That's all the questions we have at the moment. But we will be in touch."

" Are you going to catch the jerk who did this to my wife?"

"Why don't you let me worry about that?" Crain said taking his sunglasses off and tilting his head to the right.

Next the two CSI's interviewed the sister, Susan Kingly.

"Susan, we have heard that you and your sister didn't get along very well. Is that true?" Crain asked putting on his sunglasses.

"What are you talking about? Foxey and I got along great! It was her husband I didn't like!" Susan said shocked. " He has a wandering eye and hits on me all the time!"

" Really? We were under the impression that you are in love with Mr. La'More." Celco said.

"What! Who told you that? I hate that man!" Susan burst out heatedly. " He probably told you that so that you would suspect me and not look too deeply at him!"

" What do you mean 'not look to deeply at him'? questioned Crain taking off his sunglasses and tilting his head to the left.

" I'm not sure. A few days ago Foxey called me and said that she found evidence of Maxwell breaking the law multiple time in his past, and maybe now." She reluctantly answered.

" Hmmm...We will look into it. Don't leave town, we will want to talk to you again." Crain said putting his sunglasses on.

Back inside with Carrie-

"Oh, this is gosh darn annoying! Not a single finger print in the whole room!" Carrie said pursing her lips and flipping her hair over her left shoulder. All her hair then fell off of her head and right in to a puddle of blood.

" Oh! I gosh darn went and contaminated the evidence again!" She said flippantly. "Oh well." She picked up her hair and after grabbing some super glue, glued it to her head. Examing her handy work she said,

"There, all better!"

Just then Bryan can skipping into the mansion.

" Did you find anything, Bryan?" She asked as she realized that her hand was glued to her head.

"Yeah! Lots and lots of footprints! And a pair of feet!" Cub said jumping up and down. " The foot prints seemed to be going around and around in a circle! It made me dizzy!"

"Oh, poor baby! Come here for a hug!" Carrie said still trying too pull her hand from her head.

Bryan came in for a hug. When he tried to pull away he found himself stuck to Carrie.

"OW!" he yelled attempting to pull his head off of Carrie's shoulder, "I'm stuck!"

Cub and Carrie were struggling trying to pull apart when Crain and Celco walked in.

"Well, boys and girls what are you doing now?" Crain asked taking off his sunglasses and tilting his head to the right.

They both tried to turn around and face Horace. But they were each looking in different directions. They turned in circles a few times and ended up in a pile on the floor. "And I thought collecting footprints made me dizzy!" exclaimed Cub.

Rick attempted for a few second to hold in his laughter but he finally gave up and fell on the ground howling. He rolled right into a big puddle of super glue that Carrie had spilled earlier and got himself completely covered in the sticky stuff. He then attempted to get up and found himself stuck to the ground.

"Boys and girls, what are you doing?" Crain said baffled at the condition of his CSI's. He was so confused he forgot to stick his sunglasses back on.

Finally managing to get into a position that both of them could see Crain, Carrie answered "Well, A, I knocked off my hair and had to glue it back on using the super glue."

" And when I came back in from collecting footprints, I gave her a hug and got stuck to her." Cub chimed in.

"I fell over into a puddle." Rick said still laughing.

Horace shook his head, put his sunglasses back on and walked over to help his CSI's out of their jam. But with his sunglasses on he couldn't see very well and he tripped over Rick. This caused the sticky situation to get worse because Crain got himself stuck to them. His upper body was stuck to Cub and Carrie, and his legs got stuck to Rick.

"Well, boys and girls this is a predicament." Crain said attempting fruitlessly to remove his sunglasses.

"What do you suggest we do?" asked all the CSI's at once.

"Yell for help." said Crain loudly.

They yelled themselves hoarse, but no one heard them. It got dark and they could hear the cops leave.

"What should we do, C?" Carrie asked.

Crain looked at her the best he could and said "Why don't you let me worry about that."

"We could work on our team bonding techniques E." said Cub helpfully. Then he shouted, "Ha, I spelled HORACE I win!

Everyone groaned.

Outside the mansion, the night wore on and no one was aware of the missing CSI's.

The next day when Maxwell came down to grab some paper work , he was shocked to find the CSI's glued to the floor.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

The CSI's looked at each other and then said together, " Oh, we were just sticking around for some bonding time!"

The End.

AN2- Don't kill me! Review Please!

Shelly.


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